are you listening?

When I was a teenager, going through all the angst that teenagers go through, I used to write poetry - lot's of poetry. I would lie awake at night and have to turn on the light to write my thoughts, to get them out of my head, so I could fall asleep again. And one of the poems that resonated most strongly with me was one I wrote about feeling invisible. Being normally quiet and shy, I became such a good listener that nobody bothered to pay attention to me when I finally spoke. The belief solidified that my thoughts don't matter - that maybe I don't matter. Thus began a life of trying to prove my worth to others. Of being a people pleaser. It resulted in an unhappy marriage and of being an overachiever at work. It resulted in anger and resentment. And ultimately, it resulted in divorce and being more critical of others. In some respects I haven't changed much from that young girl, in that I still feel ignored, but now I feel anger when it occurs - now I feel I deserve to be heard. For sometimes I still feel people choose not to hear me when I speak, especially when I speak from my heart, when I speak of my insecurities and my fears - usually with family members whom I trust. This makes it even more difficult for me to accept, since they are the very people I value the most. Perhaps it it easier for them to pretend nothing was said than to face the problems of how to respond to my emotional needs. Or maybe they'd just rather not hear about it.... You would think I'd have this figured out by now, but I haven't....maybe I should take up poetry again- another 40 years and I may have it right.....